Sleep Baby of Mine
Today was a bad night, a guilty night. It was one of those evenings where nothing seems to calm down baby. I tried everything we always do when she is fuzzy, but had no success. It’s frustrating to realize that even as her mom or dad you can’t shield her. But I think what gets me even more are all the thoughts that rush through my head: “maybe I’m not enough, maybe I’m not a good mom, maybe I can’t understand my own child” or even worse “what is wrong with me?”, “is something wrong with her?”. I want her to calm down but I want it to be with me, in my arms, not with anybody else. Not even my husband (yes, I know I’m being selfish) and I know deep down that she loves me and relies on me, still I can’t avoid the pain in my chest and the tears in my eyes. That’s when the guilt kicks in, I know she’s a baby, I know she’s exhausted and it’s frustrating for her not being able to fall sleep and I know it’s about her, so why am I thinking about myself?
…Because I’m a MOM and I love her so much I can’t stand the thought of her suffering or of her not needing me (even though I know it’s unavoidable) and I’ll be damn proud when that happens, specially with her extra chromosome! Tonight, after watching her finally relax and fall asleep in Daddy’s arms while I weep, I start thinking about all the times my husband has shared with me his jealousy of the bond I have with the girls, a connection that might have been enhanced through nine months of listening to my heart and many months of breastfeeding; the disappointment he often feels when my oldest cries out Mom instead of Dad and realize:
a) I’m no the only one to feel insecure and to want my girls to love me as much as I love them
b) it’s ok to feel and cry but it’s important not to lose the connection with your baby/kid. Reassure her, talk to her about how you feel, tell her how much you love her and how you’ll always be there for her, no matter what
c) I’m lucky to feel jealous. It means baby is loved and she’ll have someone else to count on besides me. She has bonded with her Daddy because she has felt his love since day one, maybe even before she was born. I’m also lucky to have a partner in life that will stick by my side in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, hugging me tight ‘till death do us part.
d) I am not ashamed to show my vulnerability because it is what makes me live whole heartedly, dare greatly and become resilient. (Thank you Brené Brown! If you haven’t read her books, check them out).
PS If you’re wondering about the red light, studies have shown to have a beneficial effect on sleep. Red light wavelengths help the production of melatonin, which helps you sleep. In addition to this, you can see in the dark with no squinting due to the brightness, which can help get your three year old to the toilet or keep her calm when she wakes up scared in the middle of the night in a dark room.
